I Hate My Body & The Way I look

I hate the way I look

I am so embarrassed how I look, and I hate my body. Let me backup and start from the beginning. 

I grew up in a home where self image was a big thing. Then it carried onto my teen years and into adulthood. I was always focused on how I looked. This self image peaked when I got into bodybuilding. You see bodybuilding is a very self centered sport where you focus on how you look. I was so focused to have the "perfect body" I started to take steroids. The peak is when I won Mr. Idaho in 2001.

Then my world crashed.

We moved to Washington state where I got this terrible disease. Through this disease I got Calcinosis. Calcinosis is where your body will not process calcium so it is stored in the form of bumps under the skin and on your tendons and muscles. So, yes I am covered in bumps from head to toe. You can see this in some of my videos. 

This was a shift for me. Having the perfect body to where I am afraid to go outside. I have struggled with this for many years. I would not look people in the eye as I was embarrassed. I try to cover up every part of my body that I could.

The worst part of self image

The worst part of struggling with self image is people can be so mean, even if they do not mean it.... it hurts. One example I have a baseball size area on my knee. I was wearing shorts one day and a lady said "OMG what is that on your leg?" I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. 

The hard part is I feel that God has put messages on my heart to share with others, but I would refuse as I was too embarrassed about the way I looked. I struggled with this for months, then God gave me this verse.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 

Wow... God's power is made perfect in my weakness

Just like author Paul who pleaded with God to take away his "Thorn" and God did not, but gave him this verse. 

I swallowed my pride and started to go on camera, wear shorts, and yes even T-shirts. Yes, people still stare and make comments, and yes it hurts

. But now I will boast of my weakness so that Christ power can be seen through me.

You have a message

If you struggle with the same thing. I am sorry. I know how it feels and how it hurts. Remember that the only people that matter are the ones that love and accept you for who you are, and Jesus loves you. You have a message of power through your weakness.